Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Juan
Latest jokes [151-176] of 963
q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you?
a: A pool table.
a: A pool table.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her in the butt and tell her to keep washing.
Why didn't the woman cross the road?
There was no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
There was no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One to hold the bulb and 2 to turn the ladder.
1. One to hold the bulb and 2 to turn the ladder.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
You already told her twice! What makes you think anything else will work?
You already told her twice! What makes you think anything else will work?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
A man and his wife are playing golf. He shanks one into the rough, and finds an old barn between him and the hole. "No problem," says his wife, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn." She does this, but the ball bounces off a beam, hits her in the head and kills her.
Three years later, the widower and his buddy are playing the same course, and the widower lands again in the same spot. "No problem," says his buddy, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn."
"Hell, no!" says the widower. "Last time I tried that, I came in five over par!"
Three years later, the widower and his buddy are playing the same course, and the widower lands again in the same spot. "No problem," says his buddy, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn."
"Hell, no!" says the widower. "Last time I tried that, I came in five over par!"
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
A man is playing golf with his priest, and not doing very well. After yet another fluffed shot, he swears: "Damn! Missed!". The priest is offended, and remonstrates, but after his next bungle, the parishioner swears again: "DAMN! Missed!" "If you continue swearing like that," the priest warns, "God himself will smite you." The parishioner, however, is so uptight about his game that he can't keep the oaths in when he next misses a shot. Immediately, there is a blinding flash of light, a deafening thunderclap... and where the priest was standing, there are now only a pair of shoes and a wisp of smoke. And a voice from the heavens booms: "Damn. Missed."
Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.
Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.
When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.
The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"
Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.
When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.
The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."
I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"
The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".
We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.
Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."
I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"
The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".
We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.
Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
One day a guy is sitting in his office when he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Go to Las Vegas." He thinks nothing of it until the next day when he hears the voice again, "Go to Las Vegas." He continues to ignore the voice, but it comes back every hour, then every minute, and by the end of the day he can't take it any more. Finally he gives in, fills up his gas tank and drives to Las Vegas.
The moment he arrives, he hears the voice again, only this time it says, "Go to a casino." Beginning to think that maybe the voice is leading him to something wonderful, he goes to the first casino he can find. As soon as he walks through the front doors of the casino, the voice is back, and says, "Go to the roulette table." So the guy makes his way to the roulette table as quickly as possible. By now the anticipation is getting him very excited. As he approaches the roulette table, the voice says, "Bet everything you have on 24 black." The guy pushes his way to the front, and throws all he has on the table and shouts, "Let it all ride on 24 black!!" The dealer spins the wheel, drops in the ball, and around it goes... Finally the wheel comes to a stop. The dealer calls out, "14 Red." The voice says, "Shit!"
The moment he arrives, he hears the voice again, only this time it says, "Go to a casino." Beginning to think that maybe the voice is leading him to something wonderful, he goes to the first casino he can find. As soon as he walks through the front doors of the casino, the voice is back, and says, "Go to the roulette table." So the guy makes his way to the roulette table as quickly as possible. By now the anticipation is getting him very excited. As he approaches the roulette table, the voice says, "Bet everything you have on 24 black." The guy pushes his way to the front, and throws all he has on the table and shouts, "Let it all ride on 24 black!!" The dealer spins the wheel, drops in the ball, and around it goes... Finally the wheel comes to a stop. The dealer calls out, "14 Red." The voice says, "Shit!"
A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. "I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE" boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. “I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK”. The business man hops on a plane and lands in Las Vegas, walks into a casino, goes up to a black jack table and places his many millions on one hand. He is shaking as the dealer deals his hand, but it’s an 18 and he begins to feel a bit better. But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man’s hand is shaking as he motions to the dealer to hit him. She turns over the card and it’s an ace! He is only up to 19 and still safe! But again God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The business man can’t believe it but he figures God must have some sort of plan for him. Sweat is dripping onto the table as he leans over and asks the dealer to hit him again. He can barely watch as the dealer turns over the card and again it’s an ace! He can’t believe it, two aces in a row! But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man begins to protest, the chances of him going bust and losing everything were too high, but God says, sharplike, “JUST TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man can’t see what God is planning for him but he goes ahead with it, fully convinced he’s about to loose everything. His hands are shaking and he can feel an odd tightness in his chest as the dealer gets ready to turn over the card. It seems to take eternity for her to turn it over but when she does he can see it’s a third ace! And God says “UN-FUKIN-BELIEVABLE!!”
confluence 42 points 21 hours ago
A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
"Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored," says the Genie. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire."
The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: "I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home."
The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging... and then they go home.
"OK," says the genie, "that was your first wish. What else do you want?"
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again... and then go home."
The genie sighs. "Fine, it's your wish, I guess." He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie.
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home," says the farmer without hesitation.
So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn't nailed down. They steal the farmer's old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave.
As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: "OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!"
The farmer looks very pleased with himself. "Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!"