Top rated jokes
A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
[joke #5]
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
[joke #15]
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a tellernamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frogpulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheardthe conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundredyears old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give thatfrog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
[joke #16]
Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?
Because he only made a good buccaneer.
Because he only made a good buccaneer.
[joke #17]
How does an elephant climb a tree?
He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.
He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.