Top rated jokes
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
[joke #28]
A guy walked into a bar with his giraffe. He ordered a drink, and the giraffelay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can'tleave that lying there!""Err," the man said, "It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
[joke #44]
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up tothe bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump. Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?" So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"
"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"
There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i did not know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room i didnt know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMG i like totally know where ur coming form OMG, i found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG i didnt know she had *whispers* a penisssss"
[joke #4]
A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.